on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 10:20am
She saw me come in. She looked ready to explode. So much anger and frustration in such a small body. I get close to the bed and she flies at me fingers spread as claws, legs launching her from the bed like a frog. I grab her, keeping her fingers from my face. Holding her trying to be strong enough to keep her in place but not hurt her. I fear breaking her precious bones as it seems impossible to hold so much in my arms. The clawing changes to pounding and she hits and kicks. I can feel where each bruise will become my constant companion for a few days, but I don't care. She's hurting and doesn't understand why this is happening to her. The pounding and kicking slows. The bony elbows and knobby knees slowing and lessening their impact on my body. Then come the tears. The racking sobbing of such a small child. The kind that breaks your heart. Nothing, absolutely nothing hurts as bad as my breaking heart at those sobs.
She exhausts herself and she becomes limp. Unable to hold her because she has become dead weight , I ease her back into her bed. She will not lie down. Dark circles ring her eyes, her body looking emaciated because of the sickness from all the treatments. So determined not to lay back down. She looks at me with imploring eyes and whispers. Why? Why would God do this to me? I sit on the bed beside her and she leans into me hard. My shirts is soaked with the sweat from trying to hold her still and the tears she has cried, but neither of us seem to notice. "Well," I whisper to her "I can't give you the exact whys, but maybe I can help a little bit. Can I try?" I can see the top of her head move up and down. Okay well I am going to start with a story but I promise it has a purpose okay? Another little nod. Okay then. I take a deep breath and a silently whispered prayer. I need your help here God, please give me words to explain this.
Do you know how parents watch a child take their first step and though they stand near they don't stop them from falling unless they are in danger. They let the child fall and try to pull themselves up and fall back time and time again. Well those falls, the pulling ups, that's what builds up the muscles in both their arms and legs. It gives them the strength they need to stand and then finally walk. Once up they scoot across things holding on to different objects trying not to fall that's the next step and then soon they are walking then running everywhere. If the parent didn't let the child do this the child would never be able to walk and his muscles would have no use. They wouldn't work or grow right. Parents have to do this all through the child's life watching them make mistakes and then trying to guide them into what to do so they can cope with life and be able exercise not just physical muscles, but our brains and our "heart" muscles. We need to learn to not only be able to do things physically but mentally and "soulfully" correct.
Okay this is sometimes the hardest part. You remember the story of Adam and Eve, how they and the serpent in the garden brought sin into the world. The thing is God didn't give you this disease, the cancer came from man's sins. I am not sure how it happened or why. But God will use this. And always, always it is for ours and others good. His heart right now is breaking watching you in so much pain, anger and frustration. But He is like the parent watching a child grow. He wants you to strengthen your God muscles. The stuff in us that makes us able to handle things that will happen later in our life. He isn't leaving you alone with this. He is right here right now. And He is suffering and feeling everything you are feeling at the same time you are feeling it. In fact it is probably why I'm here. He knew you needed to hear this, that you were going to be the most receptive to Him and this story today. He brought you me to show you just how much He does love you. We, none of us, knows that is in our future. But God does. He is using this sickness not only to train you, strengthen you for the future but to give you and your family, well all of us really, the opportunity to show those around you what a difference God makes when we live with Him in our hearts and in our daily lives.
I know it's hard to hear that He won't give us more than we can handle, but it really is true. Even when we feel we can't go any farther, that we are at the end of our endurance, God will gives us the strength to go on. We just have to remember to give ourselves over to Him every moment of everyday. It's something we need to practice and it doesn't come easy. But He is here and I will be here as much as I can. We can talk whenever you need and as long as you keep asking I know He will keep answering whether He uses me or someone else doesn't matter. What does matter is He hears you. All you have to do is be willing to listen. You know how I held you when I first came in. That's what God does always even when you can't feel it. He is holding you tight in His arms, in His hands. No one can understand frustration and anger like He does. And it is okay to yell and scream at Him because He knows us, He knows us inside and out. And He never wants us to keep it in, bottling it up until we explode at someone who doesn't understand. He is there and He is fine with you telling Him exactly how you feel whenever and at the very moment you feel it. That's what makes Him so personal, that's what makes Him God.
Does that help? Would you like to pray, to talk? God is listening.....
She exhausts herself and she becomes limp. Unable to hold her because she has become dead weight , I ease her back into her bed. She will not lie down. Dark circles ring her eyes, her body looking emaciated because of the sickness from all the treatments. So determined not to lay back down. She looks at me with imploring eyes and whispers. Why? Why would God do this to me? I sit on the bed beside her and she leans into me hard. My shirts is soaked with the sweat from trying to hold her still and the tears she has cried, but neither of us seem to notice. "Well," I whisper to her "I can't give you the exact whys, but maybe I can help a little bit. Can I try?" I can see the top of her head move up and down. Okay well I am going to start with a story but I promise it has a purpose okay? Another little nod. Okay then. I take a deep breath and a silently whispered prayer. I need your help here God, please give me words to explain this.
Do you know how parents watch a child take their first step and though they stand near they don't stop them from falling unless they are in danger. They let the child fall and try to pull themselves up and fall back time and time again. Well those falls, the pulling ups, that's what builds up the muscles in both their arms and legs. It gives them the strength they need to stand and then finally walk. Once up they scoot across things holding on to different objects trying not to fall that's the next step and then soon they are walking then running everywhere. If the parent didn't let the child do this the child would never be able to walk and his muscles would have no use. They wouldn't work or grow right. Parents have to do this all through the child's life watching them make mistakes and then trying to guide them into what to do so they can cope with life and be able exercise not just physical muscles, but our brains and our "heart" muscles. We need to learn to not only be able to do things physically but mentally and "soulfully" correct.
Okay this is sometimes the hardest part. You remember the story of Adam and Eve, how they and the serpent in the garden brought sin into the world. The thing is God didn't give you this disease, the cancer came from man's sins. I am not sure how it happened or why. But God will use this. And always, always it is for ours and others good. His heart right now is breaking watching you in so much pain, anger and frustration. But He is like the parent watching a child grow. He wants you to strengthen your God muscles. The stuff in us that makes us able to handle things that will happen later in our life. He isn't leaving you alone with this. He is right here right now. And He is suffering and feeling everything you are feeling at the same time you are feeling it. In fact it is probably why I'm here. He knew you needed to hear this, that you were going to be the most receptive to Him and this story today. He brought you me to show you just how much He does love you. We, none of us, knows that is in our future. But God does. He is using this sickness not only to train you, strengthen you for the future but to give you and your family, well all of us really, the opportunity to show those around you what a difference God makes when we live with Him in our hearts and in our daily lives.
I know it's hard to hear that He won't give us more than we can handle, but it really is true. Even when we feel we can't go any farther, that we are at the end of our endurance, God will gives us the strength to go on. We just have to remember to give ourselves over to Him every moment of everyday. It's something we need to practice and it doesn't come easy. But He is here and I will be here as much as I can. We can talk whenever you need and as long as you keep asking I know He will keep answering whether He uses me or someone else doesn't matter. What does matter is He hears you. All you have to do is be willing to listen. You know how I held you when I first came in. That's what God does always even when you can't feel it. He is holding you tight in His arms, in His hands. No one can understand frustration and anger like He does. And it is okay to yell and scream at Him because He knows us, He knows us inside and out. And He never wants us to keep it in, bottling it up until we explode at someone who doesn't understand. He is there and He is fine with you telling Him exactly how you feel whenever and at the very moment you feel it. That's what makes Him so personal, that's what makes Him God.
Does that help? Would you like to pray, to talk? God is listening.....
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