You ever get the feeling that Satan set you up.

on Monday, July 5, 2010 at 7:14pm

In truth I think we set ourselves up. But sometimes we like to think Satan does it. Today a friend was disappointed by another person we both know and my immediate reaction was to feel vindicated. Which was really silly and quite stupid because immediately afterward I thought about how God must be hurting that He gave this person another opportunity to do the right thing and they failed. And then I was thinking of the stuff that could have happened to make it impossible to for that person to have been able to come through. And so now I feel bad for that one second of feeling "see I told you this person was like that." It was so very wrong and no matter how much I know God understand and loves me I know that in that second I let Him down too.

Of lesson of life and manners and such

on Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 7:13pm

So a long long time ago in a place rather far away called Arizona. There was a husband, his wife, there five year old daughter and their mixed mash of combined family two other boys and a girl all grown up.  One day the couple decided to take their girls to Price Club. That was before it was called Costco and when you had to be a state employee to get in.  They had fridge and freezer bins not the upright things with doors they have now.  The percoscious five year old was not known for her manners in fact she was quite rude at times. interupting and demanding to be the center of attention.  Her dad was determined to teach her a lesson and so would repeatedly tell her to wait a minute.  This particular day was no different. The mom was looking at the lean cuisines they offered in the freezer bin, talking to the dad about which ones they should get to take into work the following  month. The percosious five year old kept trying to interupt. The 19 year old sister was trying to distract the little girl to no avail. The dad finally got fed up with the interuptions and through clinched teeth came over to his little girl and told her she would wait her turn and preceeded to give her a lecture on how rude she was being. Then he turned to go back to the conversation with his wife and from behind him he hears his little girl yell at him. "But dad your pants are unzipped."

At the Cross

on Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 9:35pm

 At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light, And the burden of my heart rolled away, It was there by faith I received my sight, And now I am happy all the day

I love that refrain.  But the Cross means so much more to me.  I have had wonderful teachers who told me of how Jesus died. Describing in detail the tortures of the day and the carrying of the cross beam of the cross across His back causing rubbing and splintering into His already spent body.  The pain of the puncture of the nails through wrist and ankles and suffering of lack of breath when he hung and the pain of pushing up to breath from his ankles.  The slow death of a thief or heretic of the day.  Horrible yes.  But there was also much deeper pain.  We think about how he died for us and many of us treasure that gift.  But do we think of all the pain he suffered. Not just ours. But the worlds.  All the atrocities done on this world in its 6000+ years.  Have we really thought of the pain he took upon himself. The pain of the the victims. The hallecaust victims, the MIA's of war, the POWs the lost and damaged children, the raped and murdered all the pain.  He took that too.  He took all the guilt of the guilty and all the pain of the innocent.  He took the bottom of the iceberg why we get the top.  He endured our pain and suffering right along with us.  Those that died were never alone.  He was always with them.  And he endured the tear of the fabric of the universe. He took the first sin, Adam's and Eve's He took that too and He took those consequences upon himself.  The damage to the earth of Adam's sin and the damage to our bodies for Eve's. and all the damage we have reaped onto the earth the centuries after.  And with all this pain and suffering that so darkened the face of the earth.  The one that hurt the most, the one that made Him cry out was when His Father had to turn his face from him. 

When all else fails laugh

on Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 10:45pm

So I have to preface the story with and explanation.  Our  house is on a hill. Well our street is on hill that our cul de sac slopes down to, from which our drive slopes down to from which the ramp from the back of house slopes down to. Basically if you drop something about the middle of our back patio it could very likely roll all the way down the ramp, down the driveway, along the cul de sac, down the street around a curve and down another street straight to the Willamette River without stopping to take a breath. Well if it could take a breath.

Dan had bought a four wheel cage like wagon that can hold up to 2000 pounds.  He thought it would be a great idea for loading up at the garage and move stuff to the kitchen up the ramp and on the opposite side of the house from the garage.  I had been using the wheel barrow but the wheel barrow doesnt hold as much as the wagon so one raining day after going to Costco I load up the wagon and proceed to take it up the ramp.  Well the ramp has this sharp curve in it to go up behind the house.  The wagon decided to take this on two wheels and it takes all my strength to keep it from dumping everything in the mud. um did I mention there is no wall up the back of the ramp so when it rains the hill sort of slides down onto the ramp.  So I make it around the curve and try to avoid the mud clots in the path.  One of the wheels hits a mud clot and smooshes it making the wheels spin slightlly giving me just enough time to brace myself or at least think I am bracing myself as my feet slowly slide out from underneath me and under the wagon.  I cannot let go of the wagon handle for fear of the groceries ending up going down the drive as I had said before of even going into the woods off the driveway being that their are eggs and other breakables.  I try to get my feet back under me but they keep slipping. I look around there is no one.  Not even my neighbor who is always out with her cats or working her garden. No one is there.  I am really starting to feel foolish and a bit worried and then as all normal people do in such situations (okay maybe not) I bust out laughing.  I throw out my hand in the air (hand not hands I need to keep one holding the handle of the wagon) and yell out okay God your turn!

Since I am writing this you can safely assume God did help me out.  I wound up taking off my shoes and socks and pushing with my bare feet until i removed enough mud from the ramp to get some traction got up muddy socks, shoes and pants and made it to the kitchen door.  and yes i was still laughing. for many reasons not the least  being that God always helps me out no matter what.

It's all about me.

 on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 10:29am

I think it's funny that the "me" generation is selective about what's about "me".  I mean really if we are the "me" generation then everything is about me right. So that means the bible is about me.  It's about me being a sinner, It's about me being bad enough I had to have God send someone to die for me. It's about me needing someone else to do the  "dirty work" the work no one else wants to or can do.  It's about me being forgiven, about me being given a place in heaven because God loves me. Yep it's all about me.

Not Perfect, but perfectly flawed

on Thursday, October 21, 2010 at 4:03pm

I wish and plan. I want this and that, But would I change anything from the past? You might be surprised to know that I have no wish to change anything. Am I happy with everything I've done? NO! Am I sure I made all the right choice? Definitely not! However, I am who I am because Christ is with me I wouldn't change a thing because I happy with who I am I'm not a movie star or a great orator I am not famous or even loved by all, But then I only need to be loved by One. The One who loved me when He put down the first cornerstone of what would be this world. The One who knew exactly who I would be and loved me anyway. The One who sent his only begotten son so that I would be able to live for Him with Him. though my life is not perfect, it is perfectly flawed.  Nothing happens by or to me that hasn't been filtered through nail scarred hands. I'm not happy with everything but I am happy with who I am with Him.  And that is enough.

I was such a strange child

on Wednesday, October 27, 2010 at 5:31pm

You know the more I think of my childhood the more I realize there really wasn't anyway a person would know about the abuse in our home from watching me.  My brother on the other hand should have given it away.  But maybe it was the combination. One silly happy seeming well adjusted child and one ole sour puss of a big brother.  But I am truly and internal optimist. I have always know God is with me.  I don't remember ever not thinking that. He was and is my best friend.  Why am I telling you all this. Oh just the random silliness that runs through my head and my memories of shear happiness when my dad was home, before he gave up and just couldn't handle it anymore.  My dad started falling apart because he was fighting on two fronts and felt like he was losing both of them.  He is like me in one major way. He was going to save the world whether it wanted it or not.  We both were born helpers, not so much in a productive way more in a hey let me show you how to do that annoying almost self righteous way. though I admit we never saw it that way at the time. I should give some examples to show you what i mean but that's not why I'm writing this.  I wanted to tell a story my dad would never let me forget about the silliness that filled my body and overran my mouth on many occasions.  One of the reason I tended to be in trouble constantly with my mother as she did not see the humor in my constant rhyming or made up songs.  I would skip out in front of everyone singing at the top of my lungs embarrassing her to no end.  But my dad loved and he loved to tell everyone about it. that was not my favorite thing.  I never meant to draw attention to myself in fact I hated that part. but I loved to sing and I would do it for the joy of sing not for entertaining.  So my two little stories for today:

Susan you might actually remember this one.  We had gone to Texas to visit my dad's family. I was so excited to go to an aquarium park much like Sea World called Sea Arama.  And I was so excited I was skipping in front of everyone singing, as usual. "We are going to see a rama, we are going to see a rama." Dad said I stopped mid skip and he knew I was thinking something profound (I was analyzing stuff even then).  "Daddy what's a rama" to which my Uncle Charles said, "Why he's a daddy of a sheepa"  Dad of course laughed so hard. Me, my question answered, just said "okay" and turned around skipping the rest of the way to the car totally clueless to the silliness behind me.

my second story is about a company truck
My dad worked for the arizona game and fish department and he had to check out a truck from the week for something he was doing.  We were so excited about him bring it home and wanted to go for a ride in it. To which he tried to explain that it was not allowed, but persistence won out and grudgingly agreed to take us for a ride.  So being who I am  "I went skipping out the front door singing "Yeehaw and rubber duck let's go for a drive in the brand new truck." Which as usual sent my dad into peals of laughter.

I miss that laugh.

You ever feel like Job

on Monday, December 20, 2010 at 12:06am

Every time I pick up my bible I see myself in its pages.  And I know others do too. But it was tonight that it hit me that we are in every page that's why we have it. It's why it is here.  As a little girl I started reading the passages as if I was writing them or as if God was speaking directly to me and then I realized He was.  Memorizing the verses switching yous to mes or Is has a very strange effect on the reader.  I am very visual, have always been and I would, could and do imagine that I am right there. Jesus asking me to follow Him. Jesus talking to me as He talked to others.  In the old testament it's God talking to me.

I've been thinking about Job a lot lately. I know funny thing to be thinking about at Christmas time.  But Job has always had a special place in my heart.  To have so much taken away. How does one survive?  Well to be honest it is much easier(please note I did not say easy)  when you remember its all God's.  It all belongs to Him.  He can take it, give it, remove it, save us from it.  And that's when it hit me.  God takes away the stuff that hurts us that moves us away from Him. He gives us the stuff that brings us closer to Him, rewards us with stuff we will remember to thank Him for.  You know those thoughts you get that are so ingenious, so really cool or make you say wow I never thought of that before.  Well guess what I'm betting it wasn't you or I that actually had the thought.  It was one of God's gifts.  I know, I know because I do it myself, that none of us remember to thank God for everything He gives us. Not that we aren't thankful. okay well maybe some of us aren't and some of us don't know who gave us our stuff, but sometimes we think it's us and we congratulate ourselves. Or we just get so wrapped up in the idea and the carrying out of it that we forget that He gave it to us.

All I'm really saying is we are all Jobs.  We all have things that get taken away and we sit while others hammering at us trying to get us to turn away from God because of the stuff that was taken away.  But that stuff, those things, those people well some had fulfilled their jobs, some were getting in our way with God and well some we may never know why they were removed this side of heaven.  But the things is when we stand up to those who try to turn us from our God. When we give them and Satan over to our redeemer. Well then we redeem too. We get so much more than we deserve. So much more than we can ever know to ask for.  Oh it doesn't mean our pains will cease.  It doesn't means our paths will suddenly change. though they might.  But it does mean the closer we get to God the more we reap the benefits of being His children. The more joy that fills us for no apparent reason.

You can have no family. Have those who loved you die, some write you off as too much trouble, other too far away that though they love you, they just can't reach you and they have lives of their own.  And poof all of a sudden, you have these amazing friends and God fills up your life with His family.  Gives you sons and daughters and others that may not have your blood in them but are just as much yours as if you had given birth to them.  God is amazing. And for Him nothing is impossible.  He awakes the need and then fills it. More than that He keeps filling until the blessings pour from your eyes like a waterfall and thank you just doesn't seems like enough. There's a deep resounding joy in your heart and there is no way to express it.  But the best thing about it with God is you don't have too. He hears your heart.  You might not be able to make others understand, like Job.  But God understands. As He alone knows the depth of your despairs. So does He alone know the depth of Joy that only He can bring.  I am thankful more than words or even tears can say to have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much. He has given me this life.  That He chose, picked out everyone I would meet, what family I would be with, He knew who would love me and who would not.  He knew!! He knew.  He loved me before anyone had ever met me.  He knew me before anyone else and He loved me for exactly who I was, who I am and who I will be. I believe that is how Job felt.  So let them come those who would say that there can be no God. Let those come who find fault, say what you will, do as you feel. But you will not, you will never remove my faith, my hope, my love for He who knew me first, He who knows me well,  He who knows my all

Armin was my Daniel

on Wednesday, January 12, 2011 at 5:13pm

Do you ever have people in your life that remind you of people from the bible.  God gives them to me all the time.  Today for some reason Armin was on my mind.  I haven't thought about him in years.  But today I was thinking about his sweetness.  No, Armin was not a boy friend but rather a friend that was well not a boy, a man.  I would never know how old he was. Drugs had ravaged him to such a point that I wouldn't even hazard to guess.  The man had no sense of individual space. And would freak me out.  But when he would start to tell stories of his life and how God had quite literary pulled him from the gutter, well let's just say you would forget he was practically standing on top of you and just get sucked into the story he would tell.  And He felt led to walk into the lion's den all the time.  He would tell us about going into some of the drug/crack house and of almost getting killed or getting beaten so viciously and that's how this injury or that happened.  It would make people so uncomfortable.  But here was someone that knew what my life was like. Had had it worse.  He had lost everything.  He would tell you it was his fault but his gift to me was two fold first. he knew how it hurt to have others hurt you, he knew severe pain and he survived it all.  I guess in a way even though I confess at first to have been very scared of him,  he was a hero to me. He survived and made me feel ashamed of myself for trying to take the easy way out and tried to kill myself to get away.  He opened my eyes to the fact that even in our deepest hell God can use us and if we are willing, God will gladly walk right back into it with us and lead other out as well.  He won't force us but He gladly help us if we want to try and all we have to do is be willing and he gives us so much just for wanting to walk back into the lions' den.

every day

on Monday, January 17, 2011 at 6:21pm

The difference between good days and bad days is that you can have a really good day with nothing bad happening but on bad days there is always always something good in them. Sometimes you have to look really close but God has made each day so how can His signature not be on it somewhere. I think it's like a painting. Sometimes He signs in big broad strokes for the world to see and other times He hides his signature to see if you are looking for it.

conversation about Job

on Tuesday, January 18, 2011 at 4:11pm

Are you feeling "job"ish

more new prespectivish. I love the book. But then I love so many books.  Job is the one I probably know the best. actually never mind because I know Ruth and Esther pretty well too. But Job has been on my heart lately and then a friend said something today about it being on her heart also, that it keeps coming up. And we were talking about it and she used the same words to describe it as I had heard all my life. But it's funny to me that the meaning of those words has totally change this past year.  The words are the same like endurance and faith.  But there is such a deeper meaning that I am just now learning.  I don't know if I can explain it. I always thought of Job as this dude who went through a lot. But it really isn't that. He was this man that so trusted in God that He knew that the earth was a temporary place, that everything taken from Him was never his to begin with. He rested himself so completely in God that not even the people "of God" around him could root him out.  None of them could convince Him that he should do something, that he needed to repent to make things better. that there was something he could do to make things different.  Job so trusted and put his faith in God as the One who knew what he was doing, that he just waited. He did nothing while everyone else was scurrying around trying to "fix" things Job just waited for God. Listening for God. It is just such an amazing way to look at his life.  Anyway. That's what got me thinking about a study of Job.

You know the other really cool thing about Job, is God knew what Job would do. So why let Job suffer. To teach both Job and Satan and those that watched something.  to Job that he did have faith enough, to show Satan that He did know ALL about his creation and to show those watching that those that trust God and live in and for Him are not without suffering but are greatly rewarded for their steadfastness.

prayer based on attributes from Habbakkuk 1:12-13

 on Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 11:41pm

Our everlasting Holy One, who appointed those who judge. The rock of my foundation. You establish those who correct, your eyes are to pure to rest on evil. You cannot look on wickedness. But you will use all these things for your glory. They will be the compass points that point straight to you. You will make the righteous victorious and will establish those who are yours. The wicked will cease, but those who are yours will rise and conquer. When we follow you we are unconquerable even when conquered. We are established within a fortress that cannot fall. Though the wicked storm the gates and batter our bodies they cannot reach our souls.

When I get to Heaven I want to ...

 on Thursday, January 20, 2011 at 12:14am

I think sometimes of Heaven. okay I think of it a lot. today I was thinking about what I want to do first when I get there. And well that hasn't really changed but image in my mind has. I run straight to Christ and hug Him as he swings me around like a long lost daughter finally found. But then I think of what do I want to do for eternity and I used to make lists of people I want to talk to when I get there questions I want to ask. recently I have been thinking a bit differently. I have decided I don't want to talk to anyone. i want to listen I want to find a place out of the way where no one will see or pay attention to me and I want to hear what other ask and what those that have gone before answer. I want to listen to Paul talk to Moses. I want to listen as the twelve disciples (the 11 plus Matthias) gather around Jesus and discuss well whatever they chose to discuss. I want to listen to God and Moses, And see if Ruth is still with Naomi. I want to find David and watch him and Solomon. I want to be close by as Elijah and Moses chat. I want hear Jesus speak. I want to see Noah and listen to Isaiah. I want to sneak in and listen to Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Yes I think I want to spend at least the first thousand years or so just listening

just thinking

on Thursday, January 20, 2011 at 10:06pm

just thinking I was wondering how many people think Jesus came just to die on the cross. If that was so why come as a baby. No He came for much more. He came to teach, to correct wrong preaching and to love. He came to show all that they are loved no matter what. I was thinking of my two brothers and my sister who competed for my dad's love which is so well funny isn't the right word maybe strange. Because Dad loved his kids all of us. He adored us and wanted us to be the best we could and he never pushed us to be anything other that what we were. There were things he did that were misinterpreted especially by Katherine my biological mother but he never really cared what we did as long as we did what was right. He worried about each of us constantly. He was always afraid one would feel more loved than another because one had earned more privileges, because of better behavior and my brothers especially my eldest brother knew the buttons to push to get what he wanted. My youngest sister so idolized Rusty, my oldest brother that she too started following in his footsteps and manipulating dad with their "you just don't love me enough" routine. ugh it got really old and frustrating especially as I could never keep my mouth shut and was usually told to shut up. well that was the meaning of what they said pretty much. David my middle brother was not manipulative at least not really. He was more scared. His real father didn't want him but my dad adored him. David seemed to always doubt if he was good enough and Rusty used that. it was sad to watch and of course nobody listens to the little sister telling them their being idiots of course in hind sight maybe calling them idiots wasn't the best way to start the conversation of how much Dad loved each of us. so they still battle though I do hope for mom's sake, (that would be my step-mom Nancy) that it has tapered off some since dad passed away but who knows. I must admit I like living so far away. The drama well it really isn't my thing. Which brings me the long way around to my point. God loves all of us. He hasn't picked out just certain people that he might like in hopes that they will someday like Him back. God knows exactly who we are, what we have done and what we will do. He loves us like my dad loved his kids. God loves us not because of what we do but in spite of it. He adores us because we are His creation. We are His sons and daughters. But He wanted us to have the choice of Him and to do that we had to have something to chose from. So sin and Satan came to stay. Well not stay there will be an end to them but not to God or His everlasting love. We just have to choose Him. It really is just that easy. Though we love to make everything way more complicated, which explains at least one of the reasons He came here doesn't it. I always like the first verses of Genesis. That all three were there. The Light of the World, the creator of everything and the Spirit that moved over water. The body, the soul, the spirit that He made us to be. I love thinking of how Jesus decided to be the light of the world before there was light to be had. Light didn't come until the fourth day. God made our salvation before He made us! Or at least that is how I see it. I love the word of God, the Spirit that lives within me. I love that He loves me even when no one else would. I love that I will never be without Him no matter what. He is the only one that can do that.

So where exactly did Satan come from and why create him in the first place

 on Monday, January 24, 2011 at 1:22am

As anyone who knew me in my 20's will tell you. I love absolutely love to hash out the bible with someone. I could talk about it for hours. One my favorite discussions was always so when do you think God actually made Satan. I mean we know it was near the beginning right. Well something just came to me tonight. I was, (okay sometimes at night I pretend God is right here and we discuss biblical stuff while I am settling down for the night and well it just hit me)  thinking about choices and how God had to make evil for he created everything.  Though He is not evil, we couldn't very well have choices if evil wasn't there to chose, right. So God made Satan. Satan is the father of evil. God created a being he knew would lead men astray because without that they could not choose God. And God wanted us to be able to choose. So of course I had to get on the web and pull up bible.com, because I don't want to turn on a light to read my bible. (I know I'm hopeless.) i have more resources than I have brain cells or at least I think that what some people think. But that's okay. I love having so many things at my fingertips. So actually I loved to know what you think, so if you want to comment on this well it started out as profile status but since I am never able to "keep it short" I am sure this will wind up being a note. I think evil is first mentioned in Genesis 2:9. so that is the closest I can get to when Satan was created. I doubt it really matters. I mean evil is here and we all look forward to the day it is no more. But, I'm one of those who has a hard time with "Because I said so" I have to dig and dig and dig to make sure that is the only answer I will be getting. It's one of my greatest gifts and biggest failings. It has helped me deal with things in a way that makes many people think I'm nuts. The fact that my mother abused us and I analyze it like it was a science experiment bothers many. But it is in my strangeness that I see God. I have just come to realize that the strangeness in us that makes a difference that everyone else tries to get us to change the very thing that God had gifted us with to make us unique and special and able to be in his servants like no one else can. No matter where evil came from, we are here to battle it. To give it to God over and over again and to chose between it and God. There are so many that want something else to take the place of the God shaped "hole" in all of us. but only God can fit it. But we use every peg Satan gives us to try and fit. Satan's problem. He has no clue what shape to make but he has spent all of creation trying to find it. The good news though is he never will.

God Loves ME!!

on Thursday, January 27, 2011 at 4:29pm

Today has been a wonderful day. To have one's eyes open to things that have been left unsaid. To look through my tunnel of life as I always do and know the light at the other end is not an oncoming freight but a beloved Father and creator lighting my way. The light illuminates only the things He needs me to see and the rest He holds in reserve for a future date. But always He knows whats coming and what will happen to me. The fact that within me is my own light given to me by Him, is just amazing to me.
 
Do you ever think about the magnitude of His love. The fact that from the beginning, He knew we would be born, that He created us by creating the world and the people in it just perfectly so we would be exactly who we are and that He designed it all just for one person, but that one person is all of us... I mean each of us is so preciously and wonderfully made but none of us could exist as the person we are without the people around us doing and being who there are. Can you imagine being able to have the power and love to build all this just for me, just for you. That you and I are just so precious to Him that he would create something 6000 years before we would exist so that we could exist. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it awes me beyond all things, beyond anything.

Minds can be the silliest things

on Saturday, January 29, 2011 at 3:47pm

or is it I have the silliest mind

So after three months of working on the Kitchen we are rounding the corner to having it done. After three months of emptying the dishwasher and walking through the dining room and into the foyer to put away the silverware in the butcher block cabinet, I finally have it back in the kitchen. So today I was grateful to have it near as I cleaned out the dishwasher, took up the silverware walked around the butch block through the dining room and stared at the blank space where the butcher block had been, when it dawned on me that I had moved it. Gotta love those DUH Moments!!

For my friend Amie and her Kirra

 on Tuesday, February 1, 2011 at 10:20am

She saw me come in. She looked ready to explode. So much anger and frustration in such a small body.  I get close to the bed and she flies at me fingers spread as claws, legs launching her from the bed like a frog.  I grab her, keeping her fingers from my face. Holding her trying to be strong enough to keep her in place but not hurt her. I fear breaking her precious bones as it seems impossible to hold so much in my arms.  The clawing changes to pounding and she hits and kicks. I can feel where each bruise will become my constant companion for a few days, but I don't care.  She's hurting and doesn't understand why this is happening to her.  The pounding and kicking slows. The bony elbows and knobby knees slowing and lessening their impact on my body.  Then come the tears. The racking sobbing of such a small child.  The kind that breaks your heart. Nothing, absolutely nothing hurts as bad as my breaking heart at those sobs.

She exhausts herself and she becomes limp.  Unable to hold her because she has become dead weight , I ease her back into her bed. She will not lie down.  Dark circles ring her eyes, her body looking emaciated because of the sickness from all the treatments. So determined not to lay back down.  She looks at me with imploring eyes and whispers. Why? Why would God do this to me?  I sit on the bed beside her and she leans into me hard.  My shirts is soaked with the sweat from trying to hold her still and the tears she has cried, but neither of us seem to notice.  "Well," I whisper to her "I can't give you the exact whys, but maybe I can help a little bit.  Can I try?"  I can see the top of her head move up and down. Okay well I am going to start with a story but I promise it has a purpose okay?  Another little nod. Okay then. I take a deep breath and a silently whispered prayer. I need your help here God, please give me words to explain this.

Do you know how parents watch a child take their first step and though they stand near they don't stop them from falling unless they are in danger.  They let the child fall and try to pull themselves up and fall back time and time again.  Well those falls, the pulling ups, that's what builds up the muscles in both their arms and legs.  It gives them the strength they need to stand and then finally walk.  Once up they scoot across things holding on to different objects trying not to fall that's the next step and then soon they are walking then running everywhere.  If the parent didn't let the child do this the child would never be able to walk and his muscles would have no use.  They wouldn't work or grow right.  Parents have to do this all through the child's life watching them make mistakes and then trying to guide them into what to do so they can cope with life and be able exercise not just physical muscles, but our brains and our "heart" muscles.  We need to learn to not only be able to do things physically but mentally and "soulfully" correct.

Okay this is sometimes the hardest part.  You remember the story of Adam and Eve, how they and the serpent in the garden brought sin into the world.  The thing is God didn't give you this disease, the cancer came from man's sins.  I am not sure how it happened or why.  But God will use this.  And always, always it is for ours and others good.  His heart right now is breaking watching you in so much pain, anger and frustration.  But He is like the parent watching a child grow. He wants you to strengthen your God muscles.  The stuff in us that makes us able to handle things that will happen later in our life.  He isn't leaving you alone with this. He is right here right now.  And He is suffering and feeling everything you are feeling at the same time you are feeling it.  In fact it is probably why I'm here. He knew you needed to hear this, that you were going to be the most receptive to Him and this story today.  He brought you me to show you just how much He does love you.  We, none of us, knows that is in our future. But God does.  He is using this sickness not only to train you, strengthen you for the future but to give you and your family, well all of us really, the opportunity to show those around you what a difference God makes when we live with Him in our hearts and in our daily lives.

I know it's hard to hear that He won't give us more than we can handle, but it really is true.  Even when we feel we can't go any farther, that we are at the end of our endurance, God will gives us the strength to go on.  We just have to remember to give ourselves over to Him every moment of everyday.  It's something we need to practice and it doesn't come easy.  But He is here and I will be here as much as I can. We can talk whenever you need and as long as you keep asking I know He will keep answering whether He uses me or someone else doesn't matter.  What does matter is He hears you.  All you have to do is be willing to listen.  You know how I held you when I first came in.  That's what God does always even when you can't feel it.  He is holding you tight in His arms, in His hands.  No one can understand frustration and anger like He does. And it is okay to yell and scream at Him because He knows us, He knows us inside and out. And He never wants us to keep it in, bottling it up until we explode at someone who doesn't understand.  He is there and He is fine with you telling Him exactly how you feel whenever and at the very moment you feel it. That's what makes Him so personal, that's what makes Him God.

Does that help?  Would you like to pray, to talk?  God is listening.....

An observation from day three of The Voice of the Holy Spirit. "Peaceful"

 on Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 9:29pm

There is a difference between causing people to stumble with what you say or do and in someone trying so hard to not do as God wants them to that they try to make you stumble. It is something I have spent my life trying to differentiate between. It isn't easy. That feeling of did I cause that or did they. But if you give it to God pray to Him. He will gladly show you in numerous ways His path and you will either feel the need to apologize or the need to pray for that person and continue on. The most important thing is to keep in constant contact with God.

Three things I've learned this week.

 on Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 11:48pm

1. There are verses that can take down the fortress of sin in our soul. The fortresses that block the voice of God
2. God gives us other Christians to help us look at things we don't know we should be looking at.
3. The bottom line is no matter what other say or do God is our final authority and though the world and even other Christians can pull us in different ways. God will give us a burning desire to do His work and if we listen we will know it, and sometimes we are the only ones who do.

He delights in me

 on Thursday, February 3, 2011 at 2:41pm

I was thinking about today at lunch and with Jace as he opened his present and how we tried to get a picture of this perfect, amazing, happy face. You know the one a child gives of pure rapture. The greatest joy goes over their face and then is lost. And I always seem to miss taking the picture of that face. But there is no face like it. That face when you know you are the greatest thing in their life whether you be toy or person. It's that face when you look and want to see it because it just seers your heart with joy. Well that's how God looks at me. And how He looks at you.

From Righteous Indignation to Selfishness

 on Sunday, February 6, 2011 at 5:37pm

"The cashier just told me that people come in and buy so many television sets that it's crazy and then on the Monday after the Super Bowl a huge percentage of them come back." "That doesn't surprise me." "Well it's just not right." long pause "You know that would be the time to buy one. Can they sale them as new if they are returned." "I have no idea. Do you want a big screen tv." "Not really we have enough tvs."

God Knows

 on Wednesday, February 9, 2011 at 2:19pm

I was talking to a wonderful lady today about her son that was badly injured a few years ago and has come such a long way and is doing so very well.  It always makes me think of those that have lost children "before their time."  We know, as Christians we all know that everything happens as it should in God's timing. But the death of a child is so very hard to take and hard to understand. And it made me think about Jesus.  I have written many times about how Jesus knew from the beginning that He would die for us and how amazing it is that He was so willing to do that and to walk this earth with us.  He knew how we are, that telling us is just not enough. He had to come down and show us how to walk the walk and talk the talk.  Well today I was thinking about God.  About the giving of His son.  To know from the beginning, not only that but to say to your son, "I must give you up. I will have to turn my face from you when the sins of the world come upon you.  I will leave you for a moment.  This must be done." (okay so He knew and most likely didn't say it but still...)  It was just So!! it was done!! The very first day of creation before anything other plans or dreams were laid out.  God sent His son.

A child dies and leave us.  God's son left him to die.  For a life time, Jesus' lifetime on this earth. He was not in Heaven, He was not with His dad.  And then to "lose" Him to sin for a moment, it must have been excruciating.  For Father and Son.  If you think about that is what we are in a moment. What we feel right now is in that moment. God knows how we feel. He knows with more certainty, more understanding, He just plain knows more about suffering than anyone can ever know.  He feels everything we feel as we go through it but more than that He has gone through.  No one was ever tortured more than Jesus.  No one knows more than God how they suffered.  They cried out. God knew the ending. He knew the pain and knew the necessity of it.  I am forever, amazed at His All knowing, All understanding ways.  Everyday He opens my eyes more and more to just how much He truly does understand me and my entire life.  That even with being brought up in such a caustic childhood, that God knows me and can lead me. He will put those I need in my life so I can stretch and grow.  He has given me the way to defeat my self inflicted fortress that block His way into my heart. He shows me the way that He will shatter them if I am willing to let myself be open to Him and to hearing His voice.

No matter what you are going through, no matter how much you have done or will do. God knows you intimately. He knows you even if you don't know Him.  He is amazing in more ways than one can say or even know.  There are no words that can accurately describe His Wonder or His Grace.  That is why He is the Great I AM.  Because that is the only way to describe Him. For there is no other like Him.

A prayer

 on Thursday, February 10, 2011 at 2:00am

I had no idea that in listening to those older, those I deemed as mightier in Your word that I had condemned myself as inferior as lacking.  I am so sorry for how I have misjudged both of us.  Limiting your power in me and my work.  In how you are able to use me.  I give myself to You again. This time I also give over to you my reserve, my need for acceptance and my need to let others decide for me.  I give myself to you as never before you have me in total only you know all my fortresses that must be demolished. Only you know my every sin.  Only You know the complete truth of me from birth to death. You know it all. You created me.  You know me.  I am yours.  Do not, I beg of you let me take even a small portion back.  Keep me on Your road move me forward, show me not only my path but the way to clear it.  Remove my fortresses, send me who/what I need to break them down, direct me as only you can.  Go before those whom you are sending to help me through this and give them insight and strength to help me, stick by me and guide me.  Give them the ability to see your light in me and bring them forth in such a manner that both of us know without a doubt which way you are leading me.  And Lord give me the strength to follow where you lead.  Give me the discernment I need to go forth and help me in my marriage. Show me as clearly as only you can my the path with my husband.  Lead me Lord and help me, make me, tether me to you, so I will follow.  Make me so I can go neither to the right or to the left. Make me so I can not hold back.  Keep my path straight, my way clear and my sight undimmed in your direction.  Help me to sort out the false from the true. Give me the resources to remove the fortresses of lies that trap the voice of Your Spirit from reaching me.   Help me to see everything through Your eyes.  Do not allow me my own fears and injustices to condemn or hurt others.  Let me see them as you do. Have me see as you do. Let me have Your eyes to see the world as you would have me see it and not how my passed would have me look at it. I give myself over to you. Do with me as you will, as you must. I am yours as always, forever.

A great time to teach a lesson ... or maybe learn one

 on Monday, February 14, 2011 at 11:51am

I have the 50th anniversary Clue edition board game. Alex loves the weapons and pewter people and plays with them every time he comes over. I go and sit down and realize the brass dish that holds all the weapons, the plastic clips for the card board holders and the di is empty. I can see all the people and the weapons on the boards but no sign of the di or the clips. He hasn't gone any where with them I'm sure, so they must be under the coffee table or sofa or in the sofa. I make Alex stop playing and help me look for the pieces, that he keeps saying are in the box. i take everything out nothing, he suggests under the coffee table. I push it over nothing. we look under sofa. I am well not really panicked but wondering where the heck they could be. I sit down and start pulling everything out again. I pull up the molded form that pieces come in again nothing. Where do I find them in one of the forms under the playing cards, which I thought I looked under. He had kept them in the box. Such a good boy. Poor thing. I of course apologized and explained that he had done nothing wrong. That I was wrong. So much for teaching him to be responsible for what he was playing with. I wonder how many times we judge other by what someone else has done. I judged Alex by how other kids I have watched have treated stuff and though I try never to do that, I am so busted this time. I know I am completely forgive because right now he is sitting in my lap pretending that my little paper holder for typing is car and running it across my knuckles why I type. lol. Oh to have the forgiving/loving ways of a child.....of God!

A Peep Hole into Heaven

on Friday, February 18, 2011 at 12:06am

I love that God has blessed me with such amazing children around me. I had lunch with two of them. They are so much fun. I am so thankful God made everything just the way He did. I love that Halden can help me gather all my stuff and drag it to the car. I love that Jace smiles so hard you'd think his face would break when he sees me. I love that Alex can make up the most amazing stories, loves to cuddle and lights up when he sees me. I love that Alex lights up when he sees my husband too. Although we laughed pretty hard when Jace saw Dan and couldn't get close enough to me trying to get away from him. Not sure who he thought Dan was but for some reason he scared him. They made up later however. I love their laughter and how it fills my very soul. I love watching Jace's face and thinking that's how God must look at us. And I like both the pure love look and the what the heck are you doing look. I think sometimes God must use that one too. I look at those faces and thank God for them. I look at their pictures and do the same thing. I love the people God has placed in my life. It amazes me that He thinks so much of me to trust me with some of His most precious people on this Earth. And that He has given me to them too. Though I confess I believe I get the better part of that deal. I sometimes wonder and am amazed at the fact that He made all of us. Knew we were going to be part of this world some 6000 years after He made it and still He never hesitated. Decided to die for us. Have His Spirit indwell in us and keeps us going, when we just must drive Him completely nuts. (Okay He sees the big picture and has more patience than Job, so it's more accurate to say that what we do, especially what I do, drives me nuts). You just can't compare that kind of love to anything else. You can try, but there just isn't words to describe it, not from our world anyway. I wonder if before the tower of Babel, I wonder if they had the words then. I know I think too much. It's one of the things I can't wait to ask God when I see Him face to face, or maybe we will just know by then. For now, well I think I will stick with studying the faces and the love from the kiddos around me. From their eyes I can see into a peep hole of Heaven. Just a small portion of what will be our forever kingdom. A life of pure joy, unbelievable happiness, answers to all our questions, and the most incredible Love that ever was, is or will be. Yes Heaven is going to be Awesome and I know because I saw a small part of it in the eyes of a child.

Uniquely Handmade by God

on Tuesday, March 1, 2011 at 12:30pm

I know that God loves us.  I know that He made us.  I know that God chose our lives for us.  But do I really know what that means.  I swear He teaches me more everyday.  Takes me closer to His ideal me. But God didn't just choose us, He knew the where, what, when, why, who and how that was needed to make us.  I am always in awe at how perfectly he set up my life so I would be me.  I guess the first thing I had to accept was that I was me and I couldn't be anyone else.  Not what my mom wanted, what my brother and dad needed, not even what I thought I should be.  God took direction and producing right right away.  From the time I was very small He talked to me, spoke truth to me.  It is so hard in fallen world to take what you dream about and figure out if it could be real.  But God shaped me from the beginning and my dreams were so personal so amazingly vivid I knew they were real.  But then I started having nightmares and had my parents especially my mom saying they are just dreams.  The coolest part was when I started to read (I would sneak into mom and dads room and get dads bible and read it in my closet so mom wouldn't find me.)  I found that what He said in my dreams He said in the word.  He was never inconsistent.  Which was amazing to me because everything at that time was inconsistent.  There was not continuity. No idea when the next beating would come or not come. No idea what would set my mother off.   My only truths became the fact that what I had been told in my dreams were exactly what was said in this amazing book. Well almost. In my dreams He didn't use thee and thous ect.  Once I found out that that was just fancy for you and the you could ignore the th at the end of some words I was on my way.  I would puzzle through some passage and use the dictionary for others and that is how I started studying the bible.  I was 4 or 5 and I was in God's word while hiding in a closet with a pink pin light, a stuffed white kitty, a pillow and a blanket and I was in love with reading and talking to God.  That was how God started making me.  From the womb He designed me.  I do wonder does God talk to all children and then we tell them it's their imagination or it was just a dream, mostly I know with the best intentions but when we do this are taking God away from them.  I have learned to have children tell me about their dreams and work through them.  But then they need the vocabulary to do that so what's the answer.  Prayer always works best.  Nothing is perfect not this side of Heaven but knowing what's in you child's head is really important.  We are so uniquely made.  Many have gone through the same things and turned out so differently and many have had such different lives and turned out so close to the same.  Everything we go through, every choice we make, every person in our lives all these things God puts there to shape who we are and what He wants us to become.  So many need our witness but we can't witness if we are so hung up on what happened to us that we can't get past it to get to the why this happened and what it has done in my life that will help others.  I wonder sometimes if I am holding back to much, if I am doing this or that wrong.  I spend so much time analyzing everything single thing I do that I sometimes forget that I need to be sharing it. Not the oh feel sorry for me or wow look how great I am. No never that.  The things to share are more.  wow God gave me this in my life so I can do that and He blessed me with this so I can show others a part of who He is.  The things we do the places we are are all about what God needs us to do next.  We are on a Missionary Journey for God all of us. Some of us get to go to foreign lands or even different states and some of us never leave our home towns. But all of us have a purpose in God's plan and all of us are to help each other and work with each other so the body can function to its maximum ability.  There is nothing more beautiful than a body of Christ who's members are so in touch with God that they function almost without communication.  Communication is key of course. But I have seen sickness hit one person and another person walk in when needed and supply the skill that the sick person had.  It is amazing to watch God work isn't it.

Pinocchio---the real story

on Saturday, March 5, 2011 at 12:35am

Pinocchio, the story of a piece a wood made into a marionette, who through the magic of love became alive and through the magic of honesty became real.

But what if it was real.  Except not wood but wormwood.  Sin.  We are born in raised in a world of sin and our creator carved us out of it, brought us into Him and made us real with loss of the blood of His son.  The blood poured out and made me a real,  He carved me from this world and gave me life with His love and when I decided to be honest and accept Him as my savior. He sent His Spirit to live within me making me "real" forever.

Once upon a time....

on Wednesday, March 16, 2011 at 5:59pm

I was just watching the hail storm, thinking about just before we moved here. I was so worried the humidity here would be like Texas. That I would have a very hard time breathing and be continually sick. Though my allergies are bad here, I have had less sickness than even in Arizona. I used to get Bronchitis at least twice a year. In the last 7.5 years I have had it three times. Way down from usual. The humidity can affect my asthma only if my allergies are bad so it hasn't been that bad and the hail here well I haven't see any yet that would dent the cars or crush houses and trees. Maybe knock a few branches off. The winds do the most damage but even that is more subdued that Texas. So I was worried for nothing. It really is beautiful here and 100 degree days are way reduced from Texas and especially Arizona. So though I do miss my family and friends in both Texas and Arizona. Oregon is definitely a great place to live. Oh it's hailing again. So tiny!!

Counting my Blessings.

 Wednesday, March 16, 2011 at 6:07pm

I like watching out my bedroom window as the tiny grains of hail fall next to big plops of water. I like watching the sky quickly darken like a flock of birds flying overhead. I like the steel gray of the sky as it drops it's load of ice and water on our home. I love to hear the rush of hail as it leaps from our roof, like it loves to dive and can't wait to reach the ground. I love the sound of the wind as it rushes through the trees. The random car as and it goes by, but I can't see. The large fir forest out my window. I cannot even tell I am in the city, yet we are very close to downtown. I love the drops of rain as they hit the damper on the fireplace, reminding me of laying in a barn during a rain storm. I do miss the horses, goats, kittens, chickens, dogs and rabbits though. Sitting here makes me feel like I am back on a farm. One without the "fear of mother." It is awesome, just to sit here and know that the beauty I see was made of God. The hands that built this house had God's given gift to do so. I love moments like this. I think I am going to go make me some tea before going to my next page on my bible study. I love how God blesses me every moment of every day.

When you were young

 on Thursday, March 17, 2011 at 2:46am

Jesus if you could, what would you tell me of you childhood
Did you turn the other cheek when the bullies came to you
A sweet child, straight from God, full of His holy love
What did you do when the grown ups looked at you and told you
You were to young.
What would you think when you saw someone bullied and hurt
Would righteous anger seize you and then others would call you the bully
not understanding, not listening.

How did you defend yourself when others would not listen
When the adults would say to you, who do you think you are
Did they scoff and call you names
Did the rich in the town look down on you as a dirty ruffian
What was it like to be the holy child in a small town
Did they gossip about your mom and tell you she was pregnant
Before she was with your father
Did they call you names and try to make you feel less than what you are

Did they look at you and only see where you earthly home was
How long did it take to grow into their esteem
And how many even then refused to believe
What was it like when the time to marry came and went.
What did they say, how was your courting time spent

When the men embraced you from the temple ready to fill your eager mind
What did the other boys think and how did they treat you? were they kind?

When you were very little toddling around your father's shop
Did you make a mess and spill the nails, or take and use his tools
Did Joseph lose his temper not understanding you
Did Mary worry needlessly about your every step

Did you brothers and sisters follow you or were they jealous
Did they wonder where you came from, were you very different from them.
Were you coddled because you were God's own Son.
Or neglected because they knew you were good why the others needed more care
Were you sickly and struggling or healthy and gangling
Did you eat everything on your plate
Did you ever get a time out or meet a switch
Did you jump in mud puddles and climb trees
Did you enjoy your childhood or contemplate what you must do.

Was it hard to learn your words or did learning come easy to you
Did you skin you knees, chase butterflies and bees
Did you roll in grass and catch fish by a stream
Did you babysit your brothers and sisters
Did you read to them, laugh and play with them

Jesus what was it like to live in our world
wearing the skin of man but having the heart, mind and soul of God
were you ever tempted to just go home and forget it.
when did you first understand that you would die
Did you always know.  As you laid in you bed as a wee baby.
Did you know you were going to take all sin upon your body

I was wondering knowing your body would have to take so much at the end
Did you fight a lot a way to toughen up you skin
Were you battered and bruised from other children
Or was your work as a carpenter enough to help you endure the pain to come

What was it like for you when you were very young?

Those Nail Scarred hands

 on Wednesday, March 23, 2011 at 12:21am

Yeah I know I said I was shutting down for the night, but God calls and I listen.  Well okay I usually listen, try to listen.  Anyway tonight while taking a shower I was thinking on nail scarred hands, of nothing touching us without first being sifted through those hands.  Do you ever think about those scars. I know most of us know about the scars that they are right below the wrists, went all the way through. That the nails used were thick and heavy duty for the job.

Well I was thinking of the shape of the nail.  Not that I know much about it except by woodworking.  I do know that most nails at least the tips of them are like spikes.  sharp point going to a thicker head.  Well think of that nail as sin.  The widest, largest part is on the outside while the smaller part went through the hand and hit the wood.  But with a nail.  The outside part must always be bigger than the part that goes in, because if not the whole thing would come apart.  Sins like that.  A big mass hits God and he sifts it through his hands and delivers to us only that that will grow us up into who we should become.

The other thing it shows is no matter how many scars we have God will have more. He takes the brunt of it and we get the pinpoint.  I know sometimes the pinpoint feels like the moon fell on us. But if the moon fell on us than Jupiter fell on God. Nothing we have dealt with, nothing we have walked through, not one tiny piece can hit us with out the filtering of God.  We never ever walk through any of this alone.  God is always with us.

I feel such pain for those who are hurting and have think of God as separate from Jesus.  They can't get passed that God let this happened, yet they love Jesus because of His willingness to be scarred for us.  They don't think God as scarred, but God is love and love is all about the scarring, the taking up of a cross to carry it for someone.  God made us knowing exactly what we would turn into, knowing that Satan and He would be fighting for our souls. Okay actually I never really think of God as fighting.  I usually picture them more as a couple trying to get their pet to come to them.  Each standing on a different side of the room trying to see who the pet will go to.  And I don't mean that to be belittling to anyone.  It's just we all want the God "parent" but we want it the easiest way possible.  or maybe it's the most self reliant way.

There are only two paths in life. The path of Fear and the path of total and complete surrender.  One way leads to eternal salvation the other to infinite torment.  Describe as the beauty of jewels or fire and brimstone.  But I think that Heaven is simply always being with God and Hell as a complete absence from Him.  Most people might not see the sheer pain or joy of those two things.  But I can. Though life with my dad wasn't perfect like it will be with our Heavenly father, I do have way more fond memories of him than bad ones.  And every time I reach to grab the phone to call him about something and I realize I can't, it's like something stabbing me viciously in the heart.  I would think that would be a sampling of if "I had not God."  I am so thankful that I will spend eternity with Him.  The joy that makes my heart sing even now when I think of my dad's laughter.  Well you just can't beat it.  I only have to think of it to smile.

Do  you ever picture that moment when you enter Heaven?  Think about the first thing you would like to do?  The questions you would like to ask? stuff like that.  I do.  My mind creates pictures of those moments.  Like being a small child and sitting under the dinner table while the apostles talk and trying to be very quiet so I don't miss anything.  Holding a small white fluffy kitten in my arms as I sit cross legged, petting her and listening to her purr as the apostles sneak food under the table to the cat and I take it and feed her.  Yet no one knows I'm there or maybe it just doesn't bother them that I am.  And I sit there listening to every word, petting my kitten and humming softly to her hymns I know.

Or hiding behind a door or in a closet listening, (I have no idea why I hide in my dreams,  probably has to do with all the hiding I did to keep from getting in trouble when i was a small child) to others in the room.  Though as and adult I like to think they would just let me listen as i sit by them or stand beside them.  But then these were some of childhood dreams.

My most recent dream picture is: I walk through the gate of heaven and everyone is standing around talking, like a big party and they see me and part the way because my eyes are only for Jesus and the minute I see Him, I run like the wind straight to Him as He turns and smiles catching me mid air and swinging me around, hugging me tightly to Him, tears running down our faces and all He says,  all He needs to say is. "Home at last"

Then there is the one where I am sitting at His feet the memory quilt of my life on His lap and we trace our fingers over it, going over every event, every memory.  Each incident that made me, me.  And He would explain anything that I needed Him to.  Speaking in whispers, Laughing at the funny, crying at the sad.
And has He talks about things my fingers reach out and trace the scars on His nail scarred hands.

The Women I work with

 on Wednesday, March 23, 2011 at 11:51pm

I was almost asleep when a sudden urging to share something with you came over me. I work, have worked with some of the most amazing women at my church. I have spent my life avoiding working with women or when that was all that I had, I would keep myself to myself as much as possible because of my trust issues. And then God just one day presented me with the opportunity to work with some of the most awesome women upon this earth. And well I just need to tell you about them.

I love sitting either at my desk or at the table in the work room and listening to them. I love the decision making skills. I love how physical ailments present them with challenges to overcome and not reasons to complain and use as a excuse. I love how their lack of knowledge sends them running to each other asking what to do. I love listening to them one the phone with volunteers. They encourage and sustain as well as lovingly ask for help. They are amazing. The young respect the older and the older give the younger ones space to do what they are gifted to do. I am awestruck with their honesty when they mess up and how their sinful nature when it raises it ugly head gets graciously and politely taken care of. I love how much everyone of them loves God. How they let His spirit pour into them. I am grateful for how wonderful they make me feel no matter how they are feeling. They always have time to make others feel important, hold us all accountable but worthy and useful and to just love each of us with everything in them.

They work so hard to find places for everyone willing to help even those that might not be very helpful. They patiently work with each person to find their best fit. It is amazing to watch and wonderful to see as they work on the ministries and hold up our foundation and make our Pastors look good.

And our Pastors have this amazing commitment to their flock and I love them all. But I have to say for the first time in my life, I actually, absolutely love working with women. Working with these women.

A Merry Christmas Easter or is it a Happy Easter Christmas

on Monday, April 4, 2011 at 11:51am

Do you ever sit and think about the complete innocence of God. Not a lack of knowledge innocence but the innocence of not having anything "bad" in Him.  Maybe that is why children can understand Him better, we put too much of ourselves into our "understanding" of who He is. Sometimes we cannot understand how he could forgive or even want to save anyone that does "bad" things.  Christmas always makes me think of Easter. For me they always go together.  God sent this precious baby more innocent than any other baby ever had been or could be.  A God that laid down His crown to come and dwell with us. Someone who let go of all so He could give it to us. Knowing that we would break it.  And not only did he step down from on high, but he chose the deepest most desperate place to stay. A homeless place, a place without address or notice. Just a place to store the animals for the night. A place of little comfort, of animal smells and animal sounds. A place of earth and sod. Nothing fancy, no kingly robes, no princely bed, no silk covering beneath his head.  A bed from where the animals ate, probably opened up to the night. a lowly place

His father a carpenter. I think a lot about as a child. How he worked. How calloused his hand. How he would never have shirked his work.  How other treat kindly people of today. Especially how my mom felt about kind people.  Like they were made for he to take advantage of. I wonder sometime how bad it would have been for Him growing up. Other kids calling him "Mr. goodie two shoes."  Why would it have been harder for those that knew him to believe in Him.  He was after all born as God. I also think about when he was 12.  How many other times had he wandered off to "chat" with others about his heavenly Father.  How many times had he gotten into trouble for it.  Were His parents so busy with other things on their mind that if they had been paying attention they would have know He had stopped to talk.  Had he actually told them where he would be and they were not listening.  Because remember He is God. He was without sin.

I'm an observer, a listener more so as a kid then now. But it is still amazing what you see if you just watch other.  For instance how many people actually do not pay attention to their kids.  People who can get the eyes off their phone and then wonder how they child got into trouble when they only look down for a minute.  All of us do. We get focused on something and lose track of time.. But I don't think Jesus ever did. I think when sin meets one without sin.  They works like a magnet and repels.  so what happens when "without sin" is forced to live with "sin"?

I was thinking of how I would wander off, when we went camping.  I just wanted to be alone. I crave being alone. Alone when I hear God best. Alone is when I don't have to be afraid of interruptions. Of whose doing what and why.  Alone means it's just me and God and no one can interfere.  So yeah most of the time I love being by myself.  I just realized I'm saying alone when I mean alone with God.  I love those times with Him. Actually maybe treasure is a better word as there are times when I really am frustrated or tired and cranky but God lets me get it all out and He surrounds me with Who He is.  Okay back to the subject. I "wandered" off as my mother called. Only I was really wandering. I wanted a place where mom wasn't and God was. I wanted a place of peace and quiet where no one could interrupt me. Especially if all I wanted to do was to think.  It is funny how many people think there is something wrong if you are staring off into space or I've been told I will actually stare hard at people. which I should apologize to if I have ever made you feel that way.  Because basically I was just thinking and if I am awake my eyes are open and I guess they need to look at something.  but usually if I am "staring" I am probably not seeing. At least not what I am staring at.  I get so lost in my thought and processing of things that God gives me I just go off somewhere in my brain and that is what I was doing the day I "got lost". I wasn't lost but I did loss complete track of time and got into quite a bit of trouble once Daddy found me laying beside a stream with my fingers in the water just watching the water go by.  What was I doing.  talking to God.  Why was I there, because it was quiet and I was hidden from interruptions and I wanted to be alone.  Once my parent figured out i was hurt or sick, I got the lecture about wandering off and of course mom had to tell me about getting attacked by something rabid or ferocious, didn't really work but I guess it made her feel better.  I was sorry I worried them. But going off and telling them where I was going usually resulted in being forbidden from leaving or in being interrupted or in someone going with me.  So I wouldn't ask as I got older I learned how to work the travel clock alarm so I could set the timer. which of course meant I got into trouble for taking the clock. "what if you lost it then what would we do"  Seriously why do you need an alarm clock on vacation. (this would be where I would roll my eyes and get slapped across the face)

Actually none of this sounds Godly at all in fact it makes me sound like a real snot. But it was the only way i could be with God when mother was around. She was so jealous of dad's time with Him I wasn't about to tell her I was spending time with Him too. As a sinner do you think I was doing it to spite. I don't think so but I know she thought it.  Mainly because anything we did that wasn't Katherine centered was pretty much something that needed to be punished.  But all this makes me wonder. How often did Christ get scolded or spanked or whatever because

The First Marriage, First Sin, First Family

 on Monday, April 4, 2011 at 11:52am

Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;   22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
   23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
   24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
   25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed

That woman was made so man would not be lonely seems to be of limited discussion. Most of us, women especially, spend a lot of times looking for a great love.  Someone with whom they can live happily ever after.  But you notice God already loves man, so it was not love man needed.  However God was worried about a lonely man. So he made him a woman, a help meet someone who becomes so much a part of a man as to make him and her together a unit working for God.   Women are made to help, sustain and accompany man as much as they are made to sustain us in a similar fashion.   This was before the fall however.  How does the fall the great sin effect this connection.

Well God wasn't surprised that the fall happened. He knew in giving mankind free will and the ability to make choices that they would make bad ones.  As with our own children we hope they will make good choices but we know they will make bad ones.

2 Corinthians 7:
8For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.
   9Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.
   10For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

Being fallen doesn't change who we are or what we were made for. God made exactly everything we would need to survive the next 7000 years without him.  Sin has not changed our desire to not be lonely to search out someone. God made us social beings not so we could run rampant in sin but so we could cling to each other, respect, love and help each other through the tough times.  We are made to be helpers.  We have needs that God has set up right from the first.  The need for love, the need for companionship, and the need to be useful.  God gave us a beautiful world and told us to tend to it.  He gave us male and female and told us to fill the earth. And we spend all our time trying to figure out how to save our world all by ourselves.  And we try to do it by doing exactly the opposite of what God says.  How do you fill the earth if are refusing to have children.  How do you tend the earth when you live in big cities with no nature.  Okay I love my indoor bathroom and being able to get to places faster with a car (I hate driving but I like being able to get more done in a day with my own car and I so love being able to see my friend Katie who is an hour away by car don't know how far that would be if I tried to walk it. ) I am however talking about what we are suppose to do and you can correct me if I am wrong and you can actually tell me where in the bible he resended his command to fill and tend the earth.  But if Marriage didn't end with Eden I doubt the fill and tend the earth ended then either.  If God is the God of our hearts, minds and body, then he is the God of our wombs too. He decides the children we will and won't have.  How many times does it say in Genesis alone that he closed or opened a womb.  Do we really think that has changed

Women of the bible and the children... Approaching the Flood---from Eve to Naamah.

on Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 2:33pm

Eve-- life --- misquoted/misunderstood God
Cain's wife, Adah and Zillah-- Raising the children of men of self--importance--a progression from one murder out of anger to a man who murdered because he thought he had the right to--- Not much is said about Cain's wife. only that she had Enoch--dedicated--wholly committed to something--as to an ideal, political cause or personal goal.  With the evolution of this family I have a feeling it was not a dedication to God, maybe to self... Eve had believed that Cain would be the savior that God told them about in verse 15 of Genesis 3.  I believe that is why Cain was offended by God loving Abel sacrifice.  Cain seemed to believe that he was the chosen one/the savior of the world and should be treated as such.  He was very prideful and watching the reaction of his descendants I don't believe he ever learned humility.  One of the definitions for Lamech was to make low.  I find it interesting that his wives names meant Adornment (Adah) and shadow (Zillah).  There is no feelings of love or respect here.  The children are even what would be considered low jobs.  Jabal--shepherd/nomads, Jubal--musician and Tubal-cain--forger maybe black smith.  Into all that was born pleasant, sweet, delightful, beautiful Naamah. Showing that even in their downward spiral God was with them.

Since God told Cain he would be a vagrant and wanderer on the earth and that the earth would no longer yield its strength to him.  Cain had to switch from farming to other things. One can see Cain's disbelieve in God's promises when he names a city after his son (Gen 4:17).   Naming a town shows that Cain meant to set up a household or thought that the curse was meant only for him and that his son would be able to stay put.

Could these be the first Gypsies.  Granted the flood got rid of many people.  And the sons from the flood were related to Noah. I am curious though where did Noah's sons wives come from were they all Seth's descendants or did any of them intermarry with Cain's brethren.   And since we still have musicians, forgers and shepherds.  Were these trades taught to others outside their families?

I am also curious who was this man and boy that Lamech speaks of? Obviously they had to be family.  Yet he doesn't name them.  He seems proud and boastful of his deeds.

I wonder about Naamah.  Names in the bible always mean something. It is amazing the insight to character these names give.  God had her named in His word.  So she must have been important. Maybe to show that no matter how much evil there was in the world, God was still there.

No one can be that stubborn... Want to bet!

on Friday, April 22, 2011 at 3:45pm

It was late past her bed time and she just couldn't keep still.  She never stayed up this late. She didn't even really need a bed time she was always sound asleep by 8 not matter where she was and always up at 5 am.  But tonight was special.  She was so excited that Grandpa and Grandma were coming.  She just couldn't keep still. Her mom had admonished her several times to calm down and sit down to no avail.  The sound of the car door slamming made her feel like she was jumping out of her skin.  She ran to the door and got in the way.  Her mom told her between clinched teeth to once again settle down.  She took a deep breath, brushing her little chubby hands down her dress to smooth it out.  Waiting was so hard.  They were just the other side of the door. She could hear their voices. Her excitement rising in her like mercury in a thermometer.  She starts jumping inside and then up and down on her little chubby feet. Wringing her hands. As the door opens she sees knees.  Daddy, and Grandpa and then Grandma's skirt. She squeals and claps her hands with glee.  Everyone is chatting at once and she rushes into the hubbub.  Grandpa grabs her up and put his hat on her head, hugs her tight and then hands her to grandma.  Who hugs her and tells her how pretty she is and what a good girl she is.  A feeling of guilt hits and quickly passes. It is way to hard to be good when you are waiting for sooooooo long.  But they are here now.  And they all sit at the table.  Her brother having come in from his room to sit on grandpa's knee and the little girl now safely ensconced on Grandma's lap.

All the waiting and anticipation being over with she head weighs heavy on her shoulders and she nods her head onto her grandmother's breast.  She feel herself being pulled away and struggles to wake up.  On being placed in her bed, the cold sheets bring her fully out of it and she becomes a wild child. "NO!" she gets out of bed. Her mom sticks her back in it and admonishes her to stay put.  She again says "NO!" and slides to the ground. Which gets her a smack on the behind and a lecture on doing what she is told.  The minute mom gets up from the bed the little girl is out and says "I want to see grandpa and grandma."  Mom tells her "you will see them in the morning, now get back in bed." The little girl falls to the floor sitting cross-legged, arms crossed and chin set.  Mom promises a severe beating if she doesn't get up.  The little girl refuses to move.  The mom grabs a wooden spoon and tries to pull the little girl up.  But it is like trying to move sand or maybe dough.  It's like she has no bone. She can't lift her at all. "I am going to get your father!"  So the mother leaves the spoon on the shelf and turns and walks quickly out of the room.  She hears the adult voices and then the heavy footsteps of dad coming down the hall.  She feels a small jump in her heart that her dad was coming to spank her.  He walks into the room a look of concern on his face and the little girl melts. "Hi, daddy"  "And why does my little blue eyes not want to go to bed?" he asked kindly.  "I want to be with grandma and grandpa.  Oh, please daddy. pretty please with whipped cream, nuts cherries and oh everything on top.  please daddy." "Aren't you tired?" "oh, no not at all"  "You fell asleep on grandma's lap did you know that?"  The little girl sighs.  "You promise they will be here tomorrow? "Yes, baby girl I promise" "But what if something happens? What if they decided not to stay? What if they want to go somewhere before I get up? what if..." "Mary Katherine Roe!"  "Yes daddy"  " They are not going anywhere, they will be here tomorrow. They have told you goodnight and they will be sleeping in the living room."  You will see them in the morning. Understand."  The firmness and certainty of dad's voice convinced her and she laid down on her bed and was quickly asleep.

I was to hear this story again and again and my grandfather's said that when he saw dad come out of that room he looked like he had been rode hard and put away wet.  And that the only reason he won that one was because he was bigger than me.  I don't remember wearing him out I just remember being thankful that I had a daddy that would sit with me and explain my fears away and when he couldn't explain them he would at least give me the guarantees I need to let go of my anxieties. I miss him everyday.  We were so much alike that there is always something that hits me as "oh I have to tell dad about this" or "if only he was here to share this"

What do you do?

on Monday, May 2, 2011 at 5:41pm

Today was a sad day. Listening as a friend tells me about another friend who just found out his dad died unexpectedly.  Then learning that he was probably no saved.  Made me think about the unsaved people in my family.  What do you do, how do you deal with the grief of not knowing, of the high probability that when you get to heaven that one person in your life you tried so hard to bring the Truth to just isn't there.  Was it my fault?  Did I not say things right?  Could I have handled things differently to bring out a different result.  Is there any hope?

Nothing, nothing helps right away the grief is just too strong. Like a rip tide pulling you under and it takes everything in you to keep your head above water.  It wipes your brain of everything but the need to survive this moment.  But when you start to come out of it you think so many things.  How do I deal with this?  The hope springs to mind.  He/she could have been saved at the last minute.  That is true.  Everything is in God's hands and he/she might have joined our ranks just before he died.  But we can't know that unless there was someone with them at the time.  So we wonder and wait.  We do have to remember that God doesn't take lightly the removal of anyone from our lives.

I was told once that there are only two reason you will be removed. That you have done all that God has asked you to do and He takes you home or you have been given all your chances and you can no longer be used to bring about God's plan for others so you are removed.  The bottom line being that God know what was, what is, what could have been and He makes sure that everything works toward His great and wonderful plan.  God does not chose things lightly.  He would rather do just about anything then hurt us.  But sometimes there are no other choices.  But we are never alone. The pain we feel is truly just the tip of the ice berg.  God handles the toughest part. He isn't up in Heaven some where being sad or say oh look poor thing.  No, He is right here by our side, holding our hand, carrying us through.  Whatever we need, He is a very personal part of each of our life.  Giving us the ability to laugh through, cry out, pound our fists on His chest. He knows absolutely knows our grief like no one else can.

He is there to comfort.  Satan on the other hand is there to see how much he can stir up.  Making you think you didn't do enough. That you are to blame some how.  I was thinking about when I was doing bereavement counseling and about thinking about the good times. With some people you really have to search for those times with other they just pile on top of each other.  It is hard to get past the very last impression you had of the person now gone.  Especially if it was sad or bad.  With practice you can get your mind to search out the good times.  And when the bad come to just say go away and pick something better.  It is just another one of those ways the Satan works to trip us up.  It's really hard to do at first. To pull out and replace the bad with the good. But it can be done.

Sometimes no matter how you try there are no good times like, in severely abusive situations like I had with my mom.  Sometimes they just aren't there. I have prayed and begged God for something anything.  But the closest I can get is her smirk when she knew something bad was going to happen to us.  Maybe that's why I have no connection to her.  I sometimes wonder if I would cry if she died.  I have no contact with her, though I have family who tell me about her often and I pray for her.  But I do have good times to remember when I was living with her. God made sure I had something.  But none of those times ever included her.  If she was there she was in the background doing her own thing.  She was never a happy part of my life.  My dad on the other hand.  There is no place big enough to hold those memories.  Only Heaven can hold those treasures and I get treasures from Heaven every time I remember my earthly father.  I am blessed that though my dad had his faults he made it easier for me to recognize my Heavenly father, because I knew my father to be kind and thoughtful.  I knew not all men were that way but my dad was.

We all get our chance before God and no one no matter how much they love us can change the choices we made.  We are at the final judgment the ones that have to answer for our deeds, good or bad that they may be.

You never know what baggage they bring.

 on Friday, July 8, 2011 at 11:44am

The child got into my face screaming, "You can't love me I won't let you!" This child had so disrupted the class I had pulled her out. "What is wrong with you?? What's going on and don't tell me nothing because you have never acted like this before." "So what she screamed back" furry pouring from her eyes. Her body stiff and her fist clinched. What the heck is going on?? I wondered. I feel my ire building up. She came into class breaking stuff, throwing things on the floor, ruining other kids' projects. She was never and easy child, a bit of a braggart but never had she acted like this. I feel my control wanting to slip and I know that can't happen. There is no where else to turn. No one who can take care of this so I can get back to the other kids. I force myself to take a deep breath while this child, well young women really being 13 almost 14, tries to stare me down. I can feel her anger pouring off of her. I take another breath and then I start to pray. A very simple prayer. Just God please help me, help her, help us. I have no idea what to do here. And then her words hit me. "You can't love me!" A smile comes across my face. And I see first fear then confusion cross hers. "Amy (not her real name of course), you can chose who you want to love, you can yell and scream at me all you want. But my dear child you cannot tell me who to love. So if you want to hate me, not like me whatever go ahead. But God and I, well your just stuck with our loving you no matter what you say or do." You'd think I had dynamited a dam. I could tell she wanted to scream at me and then her shoulders slumped she muttered she was sorry as I put my arm around her she fell apart. Sobbing. I don't know how long we out there I was thankful that I had another adult with the kids, but I knew she needed to go check on the other class so I needed to get back into the room. I pulled Amy away from the door and had her sit on the floor.  I told her I did need to get back to the class and I asked if she would be alright she nodded. "Okay when you feel like you are back in control you are welcome back in, but I will not have you disrupting the class.  I went back in so the other lady could leave and told her that Amy was outside and asked her to keep an eye on her.  In a little bit Amy did return and I never had another problem with her.

I had known she had lost her father when she was a young girl and that her mom was a single mother and that she went to stay with her dad's dad after school each day. Apparently the Monday before her melt down she had gone over to her grandfather's house and found his body in the kitchen having been there, they figured, since Friday night.

The child felt like everyone who loved her died.

Sappy love letter to my dad

on Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 9:50am

(While looking through some stuff my step mom Nancy sent me I found a letter I wrote to my dad. I remember the time. I missed him so much it actually hurt inside. Mom had kidnapped us and took us to Texas. We were in DeSoto and I had written to dad once we were unpacked and settled (I got in a lot of trouble for that one, because of course Dad let the judge know where we were and we had to move back two months later.) Dad had written me back and this was my response.  I read it and had to laugh because I don't sound anywhere near as sad as I felt. I have added notes in parentheses to explain the animals


                                                                                                                                                    March 15

Dear Dad,

I miss you too. We have moved again and we gota friend. Her name is Lenette. Lenette has 83 goats. We know about Peggy the mountain lion (Peggy was a three legged mountain lion owned by our neighbor she cared for injured animals that could not be re released into the wild. Peggy had died.)  How is Butcheye the Leopard Cat (another cat belonging to our neighbor)? How is Snow and the kittens (my white fuzzy kitty that i was forced to leave behind)?  How is Panchita (pet Ocelot belonging to our neighbor.  She had a zoo license and raised monkeys but she had some other animals too.)?  We are painting the house.  Hulda is going to have triplets (my Saanen goat).  Clover might have twins (our two year old goat).  Clover acts like always does like a little kid (pun was intended).  Toot (a green and yellow parakeet) can say "mama's pretty boy."  Tweeter (an orphaned gamble quail who's egg we hatched just to see if we could since the mom abandoned the nest. Tweeters was the only egg to hatch from the nest.) Tweeter rode on Clovers head.  We got red bandanna curtains.  It snowed here. At school we can only write with a bic pen blue and grade with red Bic.  Our school is neat. Sincerely yours Katie Roe.  I'm thinking they were also probably teaching us how to write letters at school since I sound so formal and all. lol  Thinking back as an adult at what was going on.  I can't believe how unaffected I sound.  Just goes to show that finding someone's letters doesn't always show what was really going on.